Monday, 5 December 2011

Madeleine's Riddled with Cliches Blogfest - The Return of Slasher, the Mighty Crocodile-in-Waiting!

From Madeleine's site


Madeleine for hosting this intriguing blogfest. Hand me a pocketful of cliches and I'm ready to sling them about, pepper my stories...Some of these cliches are peculiarly Australian but I've included a Glossary so you can fully appreciate the grossness of this violent and uncaring prose. I've published this story a long time ago, but it'll be new to most of you.

You know what they say, the world's not going to end today - it's already tomorrow in Australia, so as it's Dec 5, nearly midday, I'm publishing my story in hopes that I might encourage some more takers as Madeleine hasn't had many sign ups for her blogfest. C'mon, the more the merrier! I'm always up for a laugh and I hope you get one here...

The Return of Slasher, the Mighty Crocodile-in-Waiting
‘What are we going to do with Slasher?’ Baggie asked. ‘He’s off his food lately.’
‘Fair dinkum, Bags, you are a typical first-time mother. You worry too much.’ Ferrous replied.
‘Yes, Ferrie, but he looks like he’s losing weight. It’s a medical condition. It’s called ‘failure to thrive.’’
‘Oh, fiddle-de-di, Baggie! Let the kid eat grass for all I care. He’ll get over it. There's no vegemite sangers here. He’d better get over his fussing if he’s going to be a part of this family.’
Ferrous stomped his fat feet and shot away. He couldn’t stand his whiny female at times. She drove him to the drink.
Baggie tried again. ‘Come here Slasher,’ she cooed. The poor little kid had been hiding in the bushes, listening to every uncaring word his father had sprouted.
Her tiny son poked his dirty pointy nose from under the jagged grass.
‘Oh, mummy, I’m sorry, but I just don’t like that food you give me. It’s too tough. It tastes like shoe leather.’
‘Food’s in short supply at the moment Slashie. You know how I told you about the domino effect?’
‘Y..e..s, I remember. But what has tough food got to do with playing dominoes?’
‘Well, our main food supply is reliant on the tourist industry. Now, listen up,’ she scolded as Slasher began to wriggle away, bored at the lecture that he knew was coming. Sometimes his mother was like a broken record. No wonder his father spent all his time in the drink.
His mother continued, regardless. Such a one-eyed mother! ‘No tourists, Slasher, affects our food economy. It means not much tucker on the table. We have to eat from the leftovers we’ve put up in the boom time.’
‘So now we’re in bust times, aren’t we Mummy?’ He thought about it, ‘But why aren’t the tourists coming, Mummy? You said Australia’s economy is pretty strong compared to the rest of the world. You told me only yesterday that our dollar was close to parity with the mighty American dollar.’ Slasher was truly puzzled. Nothing dollars and sense.
‘Well, it's what is called a media beat up, Slasher. The media loves a sensational story and they make sure everyone knows about a family of particularly vicious crocodiles that hang out in this area. The Tourist Advisory Board advises the tourists to stay away from here after the latest death by crocodile. You know, that young fella from Norway who was taken very close to here?’
‘Oh, that’s what you mean. You need to get to the point quicker. So what will we eat then Mummy if there’s no tasty tourists?’
‘Don’t you worry about that, Slashie. Those silly tourists never listen to anything they’re told. They think they're immortal like us. They’ll be back, you mark my words. Crikey, they always think it won’t happen to them. Fair dinkum they're so ignorant.’ She tossed her head in disgust and smiled her biggest toothy smile at her darling boy.
‘And we’ll be waiting when they come back, won’t we Mummy?’ Slasher winked his big brown eye with killer lashes, getting into the spirit of things. He liked to see his mum all fired up.
‘Yes, Slashie. Daddy’s already down in the river, hiding under those pretty waterlilies the tourists love so much.’
‘Oh, and Mummy, when they lean over real close with their big cameras Daddy will snap one, won’t he?’
‘He sure will, clever Slasher. You’ll never go hungry again!’

Hope you’re not too grossed out. I enjoyed writing this way too much. I hope Tourism Australia will not be onto me!

I would appreciate it if you could tell me at what stage you knew what I was personifying. 

Baggie - short for 'handbag', of which many are of crocodile skin made
Fiddle-de-di - a cry used by one Scarlett O'Hara from the most excellent book Gone With the Wind
'You'll never go hungry again!' - a play on dear Scarlett's words in the most excellent GWTW
Billabong - a pool of water in the bed of a stream that flows intermittently
The drink - a pun, meaning both 'alcohol' and 'river/billabong/ocean' etc
Ferrous - a play on the word 'ferocious', of which many a crocodile is, especially when confronted by a tasty human
Slasher - crocodiles have many a razor sharp tooth to eat you with, just like Grandma
Vegemite sangers - Black greasy vege substance peculiar to Oz spread onto bread. Travelling Australians miss it with a passion - can I send any expats a bottle?
There’s a few clichés from a very controversial Queensland Premier, Joh Bjelke-Peterson – he was very fond of: ‘Now don’t you worry about that!’
Now go here to read more cliched stories....

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