Friday, 9 December 2011

Guess my character's age blogfest! Can you suggest improvements?

If you're looking for my book review post, it's the next one down!

Guess my character's age blogfest!

Brenda Drake is hosting a blogfest!Here are her instructions:

Post the first 250 words of your finished, or not quite finished, manuscript (any genre) to your blog. This contest is about voice--whether or not your character's voice matches his or her's age. So if you mention the age or school grade in the first 250 words, please edit it out or block it out for this contest. Don't list the genre or title on your posts. If your 250 words falls in the middle of a sentence, continue to the end of the sentence.

From December 8th-9th hop around each others' blogs and try to guess the age of the character, give critiques, or praise. Revise your entries, if you want, and email them to me by 11:59PM (EST) December 10th. (If you want, you may skip the blogfest/critique portion of this contest and just enter the contest.)

The winners will be chosen from the list of twenty semi-finalists by our fantabulous guest judge ...

Here is my 257 word beginning of revised Chapter One of my first NaNo novel. How old is Ruby?

The moment Ruby stepped outside the observation lounge she saw him.
He was leaning against the deck rail watching the humpbacks. Mon dieu! The glorious creatures frolicking in the Pacific waters took her breath away, but the sight of the captain in his white uniform delivered the knockout blow.
He turned, saw her and smiled. She was lost in eyes that had the ocean in their depths. His long lashes were the colour of sand, no doubt bleached by days at sea. Blond curls peeked from under his captain's hat.  
She stepped towards him.
A wave slapped against the boat, spraying them in froth. ‘Merde!’ Ruby yelped as she slipped, sliding towards the rail.
He was beside her in an instant. ‘Steady on!’ He lifted her, drawing her towards him in one smooth movement.
‘Thanks.’ Ruby laughed as she wobbled in his arms, glad she hadn’t sprawled on the deck and landed at his feet, although that could have been interesting.
‘You okay?’ he asked, leading her to the deck rail.
‘Yes. Foolish of me. Sorry.’
‘Nothing to be sorry about. Decks can be deadly. I’m glad I was here to help.’
‘So am I. You’ve no idea.’
He laughed, a rollicking sound, perfect in the primeval setting of ocean and whales. ‘What a glorious day.’
Oui, yes, it is very beautiful.’
 ‘Oh, you dropped something,’ Ruby said, reaching for a small book lying in the puddle at her feet. She turned it over.
‘Aha, Moby Dick. What else would the captain of a whaling boat read?’

  • Critique, comments, suggested improvements welcome!

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Hmmm, not a lot of tells here... but initial thought was 25. Looks like a fine romance is brewing.