LOL Sunday - Slappin' the apps - are smart phones so smart? And there's more...

I was a failure as a stand-up commedienne so I'm working on my latest career as a sit-down. I just came from Byron's website, er, sorry Alex J Cavanaugh's, and he did practically a whole post on the latest iPad, confessing "I have several PCs, a laptop, an iTouch, AND an iPad - one can never have too much geek stuff." I wanted to throw virtual stones at Alex as the first iPad had just been released and I couldn't decide - netbook or iPad? I foolishly decided to go with the netbook and have had iPad envy ever since.

That's the trouble with us! We just want the apps! Give me more! And that got me thinking, do I really want/need these apps? Let's take the scales from our eyes...

Smart phones are a good place to lug all your apps around. Grab your blackberry/apple and you're all set. Personally, I love apples and blackberries, it's just that my preferred apps are pastry and custard or ice cream.

Apparently most people with smart phones only ever use a fraction of the available apps, but they are great status symbols - "I sent this message from my iPhone" has such a ring to it - I'd prefer an app that'd allow me to say "I sent this message in my Prada little black dress and Manolo heels."

Which brings me to the point that most apps are designed for the young - and why not? They're dreamed up by 19-year-old goatee-stroking designers. Why don't they give me an app I can use, like a pop up pair of tweezers or maybe a creme brulee torch or even a little cocktail shaker? Why should the young have all the fun, huh?

I watch 24-hour news (not on my smart phone - the battery can't support it!) and I learn the darndest things. Like a man tried to rob a Connecticut restaurant weilding a smart phone (he tried the gun app). But he had to surrender when staff responded with a low-tech 'kitchen knives' app. (Only in America, we Aussies snicker.) Over here we're still using plastic toy guns. We're not allowed to buy real ones anyhow! Our crims can't support a smart phone habit. That's why they're robbing the banks, silly!)

Enough slappin' of the smart phone (which ain't really so smart!) Now I'll briefly mention my Kindle app. I'm happy with books and magazines made of paper thanks very much. It feeds my need for clutter and a pile of mags can make a great spare chair in an emergency. A Kindle will never fix a wobbly chair or roll up to kill a mozzie. So in a household with a yen for paper, my Kindle is in danger of getting buried...now where is that thing? I've gotta read Roland's Bear With Two Shadows...

One thing I do love about the social networking apps is of course facebook. This gives me the option to Accept or Decline a "friend." I love delivering the verbal slap-in-the-face, DECLINE! I dream of being at a party and applying the same principle when cornered by a boor - DECLINE!

iPod? Do you jog with an iPod? Don't you miss the sound of real birds tweeting? Or have you forgotten already?

Twitter: 140 million users. This is such a useful app but once again, what a battery drainer! Just loading it sucked my battery dry. Maybe the 'smart' phone tried to download all 140 million profiles! I've always been a bit suss of Twitter, it reminds me of Narcissus gazing into a pond of self-adoration. "I just ate pizza! Yummy!" or "My bunions are hurting!" If we shared these inanities face to face we'd clear the room or the pub. But that's not the scariest thing about Twitter...

The world's most followed Twitterer is Lada Gaga - I guess she posts pictures! President Obama is 4th, making the leader of the free world's views slightly less important than pint-size warbler Justin Bieber. I'd say Twitter's 140-character limit suits our new-found shallowness. The world now seems full of people who, in person, seem balanced, entertaining and humble but on Twitter they turn into Narcissus.

Must rush off. My Tweet Deck's calling...

And no, I won't give up my day job just yet...

(All these uprorious pics from Comedy Zone.)