Here is my ghostly story for the WEP/IWSG writing together October challenge. I hope you enjoy the read. The stories this month will all contain some scary elements. I hope I achieve this in mine. Whatever, I had a hoot revisiting Paris in my mind while writing it.
Night in
the Montmartre Cemetery
Ciassia had seen
a ghost. A ghost wearing black. Lurching behind her, rasping, grunting,
reaching out his filthy hand, trying to snatch her as she hurried along the
streets of Pigalle, Paris’s red light district.
Putting distance
between them, gasping for breath, she slipped into an alley behind Moulin Rouge, as quiet as a crypt. The air was dark and thick, like a black cape
had floated from the night sky and covered the earth. A beacon of light from
the Eiffel Tower swept in arcs across the gloom – a sea of fog swirling like a
fleeting ghost. Each time the flash passed overhead, the blanched fog and mist
took on a shivering pallor, giving life to the unliving.
As crazy as it
seemed, she was running from a ghost.
Creeping along
the alley, touching the walls, she tried to ignore the shivers shooting up her
spine.
What else might
be lurking in the gloom? She pulled her red shawl tight around her shoulders. Fear
gave her feet wings as she hurried through the darkness to the next corner
where street lights shot a hole into the misty light.
She huddled under
the streetlight, listening to the night sounds, but could hear nothing over the
rasp of her jagged breathing and the blood rush pounding in her ears.
She sensed a movement behind her.
She must leave the comfort of the light.
She sensed a movement behind her.
She must leave the comfort of the light.
Reluctantly, she stepped
into the darkness again. She ran, fast, faster, through the
fog. One foot in front of the other, fighting the urge to run back to the
crowds exiting the nightclubs of Pigalle. She fought the urge to run to her
hotel and safety. To where she’d left her cell phone and purse on the night stand.
In front of her
loomed an ancient stone wall wrapped in weeping moss. Montmartre cemetery. How
did she end up here?
She’d seen the
stone garden from a distance. In the daylight. A forest of small crypts
adorned with stained glass and magnificent sculptures. The resting place of
many famous bones including her idol, Simone de Beauvoir. Would hers be added
to the pile? Would she sleep for eternity beside Simone?
No. Please God.
No. No. No.
She huddled
amongst the stone ghosts rising from the ground like resurrected souls, the darkness only broken by the beacon flashes from the tower bathing the dead faces in ghostly
light, sharpening their features, sending shadows shuddering around her feet.
How could she see
her pursuer in the crowded forest of stone?
Running steps. Clamping
a hand over her mouth, stifling a scream, she veered off the main path. Knelt
behind a large crypt with a high brick wall behind. ‘Jean Paul Sartre and Simone
de Beauvoir’ read the headstone. Long dead. They could not reach beyond the
grave to save her.
She heard a
screech. A cat. A black cat. Leaping over the crypts. She forced herself to
keep still. The cat sounds faded, but she stayed crouched, her heart hammering
so loud she was afraid the man in black would hear it.
Such a creepy, creepy place.
She couldn’t spend the night with dead people. She had to get back to her hotel at
the top of the hill. She had to get back to safety.
Gathering what was
left of her courage, she stood, her eyes beacons trying to cut through the
darkness.
Is he here?
Then out of
nowhere she saw … not a him ... a her.
A white dress
ghoulishly radiant.
‘Are you an angel?’
she whispered. Stupid question. This vision could be nothing else. She was one
of the stone angels come to life.
The angel stood in
front of her, arms outstretched, beckoning her. Then she pointed a finger the
way Ciassia had come.
Is she warning me?
Telling me to turn around?
Fat tears ran
down Ciassia’s face. ‘Please help me,’ she said through trembling lips. ‘A man chased
me through the street in Pigalle and has followed me here.’
The Eiffel Tower
beacon flashed again. It passed. The angel was gone.
Another figure
emerged from the fog, arms outstretched. No angel. The man in black. As black
as Poe’s raven.
She screamed, turned
and ran. Down the hill. Toward the exit.
Stumbling over a
crooked gravestone that jutted from the earth, she hit the ground on her knees.
The pain was excruciating, but she jumped up again.
Poe’s raven was so
close she could smell his fetid smell, like a pit of snakes. Mouldy. Rotten.
Her boots reached
out in front of her. Into nothing.
She was falling.
Falling. Falling.
The ground had
opened up and swallowed her whole.
She bounced off dirt
walls and hit hard stone ground, the breath knocked out of her.
The hole was pitch
black.
She screamed,
clawing the dirt walls, her fingernails tearing, her fingertips bleeding.
A grave.
She was in a
grave.
She screamed and
screamed. Clawed and clawed.
Then. Footsteps.
Overhead.
Crunch. Crunch.
Crunch.
Out of the sky, dirt
poured down upon her.
Filled her mouth.
Filled her eyes
Filled her hair.
Filled her.
‘Who’s there?’ she
croaked, spitting dirt, trying to keep the terror from her voice.
The beacon flashed
overhead revealing a tall, dark figure, arms outstretched, his cape giving the
appearance of raven’s wings.
‘Help me. For the
love of God. Where is your humanity?’
He grunted and
tossed more dirt.
‘I lost my
humanity many centuries ago, little girl.’ His voice was raspy and hollow, like
he hadn’t used it for centuries.
‘Soon you will
join me.’
He was a fleeting
ghost.
He was burying her
alive.
She screamed and
screamed. Then a huge rock hit her temple, knocking her to the ground.
‘Soon your life
will begin,’ the hollow voice rasped, growing faint as her consciousness fled.
She heard his laugh. An eerie sound. Like a
raven calling.
WORDS - 985
FULL CRITIQUE ACCEPTABLE.
To read more entries please click on names in my sidebar with DL (Direct Link) beside their name or go to the WEP site.
You have until October 19th to post if you have some scary fiction or non-fiction to add to the list. It's easy to SUBMIT your name to the list.
FULL CRITIQUE ACCEPTABLE.
To read more entries please click on names in my sidebar with DL (Direct Link) beside their name or go to the WEP site.
You have until October 19th to post if you have some scary fiction or non-fiction to add to the list. It's easy to SUBMIT your name to the list.
65 comments:
Creepy! I could feel her fear as she ran. And who doesn't fear being buried alive?
Such an atmospheric snippet.
The graveyard setting was eerie. I could visualize the flashes of light from the Eiffel Tower; the red shawl against the gloomy fog; the stone angel beckoning... to help or to harm her? *shivers*
I like the way you used irregular meter in certain lines, as well as repetition, to escalate the tension (especially those two-word and three-word lines... so effective.)
The reference to Poe's raven just sealed it!
A great piece, Denise!
I love the imagery and the pacing is fantastic!
Very chilling piece. She should've turned around to look but not gone back.
Soon her death will begin. Longer than eternity.
Loved the images. And am so very grateful that day has dawned here...
That is sure one fate I would never want. Should have went back to that hotel room. Her fear rang through indeed.
Very creepy story!
That was the idea Ian. Not overly, but underly, LOL.
Wasn't too hard to make her fear show Pat. Just imagine...
LOL Sue. I had fun writing it. Love me a vampire tale.
True, but therein lies the story.
Thanks Joey.
I love your critique Michelle mainly cuz you only said nice things. :-)
Glad you got her fear. I failed otherwise.
I'm shivering. This is some scary story.
Glad I got a shiver out of you Olga. I love my vampires remember?
Eek!!!! So well done! Loved the images and the pace :)
Thanks Jemi. And thanks for the tweet!
Not sure which I fear more: buried alive or drowning.
What an intense rush this was. Very scary.
Glad you were scared, Donna. That was the point, LOL.
Very scary from the beginning. Great story!
What a horrible way to go. Isn't it interesting how well the predator culls his victim from the herd! You showed this magnificently! Really well done! Description that takes you on the journey, such talent!
Happy Halloween!
Seriously creepy! Too bad the angel didn't have as much substance as the raven. Though I must say that if I were running from a ghost, an historic cemetery is maybe the last place I'd go.
Well, gee. It *was* the last place she went, wasn't it?
Getting buried alive is right up there with drowning and burning. And a cemetery at night during a lightning storm? Nope. Not me. I'm too chicken for that.
My only critique is when she says "Where is your humanity?" In placing myself in that situation, I'm not really talking to my assailant. I'm definitely pleading to God or saints or whatever belief system I hold, but if I know he's out to kill me, his humanity is not in question. That one statement gave me pause, but I moved on and the story unfolded nicely.
And I loved the single lines of imagery:
She was in a grave.
She screamed and screamed. Clawed and clawed.
Then footsteps.
Overhead.
Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.
I can totally visualize this. Scary stuff.
*Shivers* OMG Denise! Making way for a scary Halloween, no doubt. Great way to start off the season.
Wow, that's crazy good. Being buried alive, and in a cemetary at night. No thanks.
I wonder if the angel was real or one laspe grasp at a life already destined for the grave?
Also, why does the ghost tell her her life will begin? Does he mean the afterlife? Definitely eerie and spooky. Great piece.
And yet I thought
she was a ghost
trying to runaway
like the rest
trying to return
from the dead.
Thanks Renee. It is interesting, but isn't that the way of predators?
Probably the last place she wanted to go too.
Thanks Tanya. I did place myself in her place and that is what I would call out.
Thanks m'lady. Will see you soon!
Her life will begin as a vampire. He's going to change her.
She could indeed be Ellis but not what i had in mind.
Scary stuff
You did a fantastic job creating a creepy atmosphere, and you controlled the pace beautifully with the use of short choppy phrases. Outstanding! (May I have your phone number, please? Then if I have a nightmare about being buried alive, I can let ya know...!)
Chilling with such vivid imagery! I felt like I was there alongside her!
Very vivid and creepy. And I wonder what is in store in her "new life". Will she too become a murderous ghost?
A nice use of Gothic atmosphere, and imagery. Well done, Denise.
Really liked the creepage and the way you used white space. Might be good to add who Simone is and why so important.
Here's a comment from Jemima Pett who couldn't comment.
Oooh, scary. At first I was somewhat distracted by the very literary approach to the descriptions; I felt you were trying too hard. But the pace developed and you used the rhythm of running, and the fear developed brilliantly.
True Edix. I guess I assumed people could look up Simone if they didn't know who she was.
Thanks Christopher. That's what I was aiming for.
Probably. Thanks for coming by Nick.
Yeah LG, I could taste the dirt while I was writing it!
He he, don't think I'd be much help!
You certainly kept the tension going, Denise, and I loved the mention of Simone and Jean-Paul, two of my fave French writers. I've seen the Montmartre and Pere Lachaise cemeteries and I wouldn't like being there at night myself. . .Your ending surprised me, like Alex said, no one wants to be buried alive. Must be your dark side coming through as we near Halloween.
That’s it DG.
Creepy and dark! Loved the imagery - particularly the sweep of the beacon from the Eiffel Tower like a ghost, very evocative. Though Paris somehow makes even the creepy a bit romantic. Also loved the allusion to Poe, Beauvoir and Sartre. The mention of the cell phone and purse anchors the time setting too - so unobtrusive and skillfully done that I noticed only on the second reading. A contemporary vampire flash - just the thing for October!
You captured the creep factor, Denise. And nothing is scarier than being buried alive. I wondered why he took it out on this girl.
Hi Denise - oh I don't like being around cemeteries ... I imagine the ones in London, Paris and Rome have some really ghoulish ideas in them. You've really brought the story to life ... I'd hate to be buried alive - positively terrifying. I actually thought/think she might come back as the angel - who knows ... your tale has more to tell - while the Raven is a brilliant addition to the story ... congratulations ... cheers Hilary
She should have listened to the angel. Good idea about the light flashing on and off on the scene, it would make it hard to see what was coming and creates more suspense.
Hi, Denise.
This fear is TOO REAL. I think we all have the fear of being buried alive.
Overall wonderful imagery. I did feel the beginning had a few too many adjectives. It felt a bit heavy. This is where the flow picked up nicely
"She’d seen the stone garden from a distance. In the daylight. A forest of small crypts adorned with stained glass and magnificent sculptures. The resting place of many famous bones including her idol, Simone de Beauvoir. Would hers be added to the pile? Would she sleep for eternity beside Simone?"
Creating atmosphere is a difficult balance as we all know. If you cut the first few paragraphs down it will flow beautifully...
For example-
"Ciassia had seen a ghost. A ghost wearing black. Lurching behind her, rasping, grunting, reaching out his filthy hand, trying to snatch her as she hurried along the streets of Pigalle, Paris’s red light district."
I might rephrase it... Ciassa had seen a ghost. A ghost wearing black lurching behind her. Grunting, he reached out his filthy hand trying to snatch her as she hurried along the streets of Pagalle. (Or use Paris's red light district. I'd use one or the other.)
Just by cutting out one or two details, the sentence lightens up. Just a suggestion of course.
Great suggestions Michael. I enjoyed writing it for WEP and probably won’t do anything with it. If I need it for a flash fiction anthology I have edits!
Thanks Deborah. I’m reading yours. Will comment soon.
Thanks Hilary. Definitely more to this.
Yes. A vampish October for me!
Hmm. The girl of his dreams or nightmares. Someone to live with him for eternity?
Really good work here.
I loved the image with the Raven. And the imagery of the Raven in the story, too.
The only part I am a bit confused on was near the end. She was in a grave and then knocked to the ground?
Your imagery and pacing made me glad that I wasn't alone as I read this. Her fear was so real.
A good bit of horror! Fun to read. Thanks for the chills.
The graveyard is very spooky. Good writing. I love how realistic the setting felt.
Nah. She was in a hole.
Thanks Roland.
Well done! It's spooky and fun to read! I liked the angel and the way you set it in Paris!
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