Monday, 3 January 2011

Show me yours blogfest. My NaNo excerpt. Death on Nantucket.

Thanks to Sarah, Hannah and Summer for hosting this blogfest, where we share a tweaked scene from our NaNo 2010 novel.  I am sharing a scene just before the climax of the novel. Shakira, the MC, has been assaulted early in the story by an unknown assailant. In this scene towards the end of the novel, things are beginning to unravel...WARNING: A little bit of language here may offend...

She stopped the car. Where was she? She had no idea really. She’d been crying so hard she'd hardly been able to see. At least she'd had enough sense to pull over.


She got out of the car and looked around. She was near Ronaldo’s cottage. She felt cold and scared. What was wrong with her? What had drawn her back?

She looked towards the ocean. It always comforted her to see the water. It was so dark now she could only see the white of the froth in the moon’s glow.


A chilly breeze made her wish she’d brought a sweater but she’d been in such a hurry to get to Byron, a sweater had been the last thing on her mind.


She looked up the gravel road. She was on the road to Ronaldo Gonzalez’s place.


‘What you doin’ here?’
Shakira jumped. Turned around.
Ronaldo’s hulk stood on the other side of her car. He leaned against the bonnet, hands on hips, staring hard.
‘I…I was just driving. Got lost,’ she explained, edging closer to the driver’s door, fear making her voice reedy.
Ronaldo edged to the front of the car, not touching anything.


No evidence, she thought, a slow, creepy chill spreading up her spine.


She reached the driver’s door at the same time as Ronaldo.


His hand gripped hers.


It hurt, even through his big leather glove.


No fingerprints. No evidence. Stay with it Shakira.


‘Where do you think you’re going?’ he snarled.
‘I’ve got to get home. Someone’s waiting for me.’ Shakira tried to sound confident.
‘Liar.’
‘I...I…’
‘Don’t worry. We all lie. Like you lied when you came to test my bees.’
‘How did I lie?’
‘You made out you didn’t know me, were meeting me for the first time.’
‘I was.’
‘Liar!’ he hissed.
‘What do you mean?’ Hedge.
‘You’ve met me before. We both know it. We were close.’


She held her tongue as a faintness crept over her.


‘It was great. Wasn’t it?’


She was silent, her tongue stiff in her mouth.


He yelled into her face. ‘Answer me! It was great, wasn’t it?’


Her head snapped back. ‘Why me? Why did you choose me?


Ronaldo snickered.


‘You are special. I always choose special. I watched you move into your cute little house. Mommy and Daddy’s house. All pretty gray and white, just like a good Nantucket house should be. And I looked at you, all pretty and white, just like a good girl should be. I fixed that, didn’t I?’


‘What did I ever do to you?’


‘Not you so much, little girly, it’s those parents of yours. I’ve seen ‘em comin’ onto the island for years ‘n’ years. I’ve seen ‘em around town. Big time Senator and his good wifey.’


‘What did they ever do to you?’


‘What did they never do to me, you mean? They didn’t know I was alive, that’s what. Always callin' me to their pretty home to remove bee swarms. Too good for me weren’t they? Threw some money at me like I’d just crawled out from under some rock. I don’t like to be treated like garbage.’


He stepped closer until the length of his body was against hers. She tried not to tremble. She concentrated on working her fingers back to the door handle.


‘I got them back, though, didn’t I?’ he yelled into her face, spraying her with spittle. ‘Fucked up their pretty little fairy daughter didn’t I? Hey, but she’s tougher than I thought, isn’t she? Tried to kill her but the little fairy wouldn’t die would she?’ He gave her a long considering look, dropping his voice an octave. ‘I gotta finish what I start. I don’t mess up.’ He grabbed her arms and tossed her close to the edge of the cliff like she was feather-light. She hadn’t anticipated his move, so she fell hard.



Shakira yelped with the pain in her hip where she’d hit the gravel. Her head was right over the edge of the cliff. She could hear the waves crashing onto the rocks below. She was looking at her death.



END OF SCENE
 
Go here for more NaNo excerpts...
 
©DeniseCovey2011


49 comments:

Rachael Harrie said...

Ooh, chills are creeping down my spine just reading this!!! Great build-up of tension.

Rach

Denise Covey said...

Rach: thx!

Margo Benson said...

Oh my! So creepy....womderful suspense. I definately want to read more.

Denise Covey said...

Thanks Margo. I hope you do!

Tony Benson said...

Oyee! I can feel the tension. I need to know what happens next. Great scene, thanks.

Denise Covey said...

Hi Tony! Good! I hope you get to read more...

J.C. Martin said...

OOh, you literally left us at a cliffhanger, didn't you? Good work!

Ellie Garratt said...

OMG, that was creepy, terrifying, and strangely thrilling. I so want to read on. Brilliant writing!

Jon Paul said...

Nice scene! Thanks for sharing it!

Hannah said...

Wow, what a great tense scene! Well done. Thanks for joining us!!

Charity Bradford said...

Ooo, what a place to end your scene! No fair. Great job.

Kari Marie said...

I stopped breathing toward the end! That was great. I want to know what happens...

Anne Gallagher said...

This was great. Ronaldo is such a creepy guy. I could see him. Yuck!

Rula Sinara said...

Wow! You definitely evoked emotion there! I have chills going up my back, and I need to know what happens next...dang it.

Sarah Ahiers said...

ooh intense! And what a terrible place to stop, you tease you!
Great job!

Jules said...

Great scene, Aussie! Knew I would not have time for this fest :( You definitely have a way with suspense :)
Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

Summer Frey said...

Wow, so tense! I like the short, terse style, too--adds to the tension. Also very atmospheric, in a way.

I'm definitely intrigued!

Mara Nash said...

Very intense. Ronaldo is well a well drawn character in all his creepiness. I'm interested to know what happens from here...

Rebecca T. said...

Whoa. Creepy! I was holding my breath towards the end - nicely done!

Colene Murphy said...

Eek! Great job! Very intense!

Summer Ross said...

wonderful build up in here, I really enjoyed the dialogue between both characters. The ending makes me very curious as to what comes next. Thanks for posting

Golden Eagle said...

This is a great scene! Now I really want to know what happens next . . . :D

Francine Howarth said...

Hi,


Not in this blogfest but had to take a look-see.

Gripping stuff, taut scene and I bet Gruesome's sweat has the aroma of stale burger and fried onion. YUK! ;)

best
F

Denise Covey said...

Thank you all. Yes, a bit tense eh?

Teri Anne Stanley said...

Is there anything more fun that a psycho killer (or creepy stalker or mad rapist or whatever)? Great tension, I hope she gets away!!!

Anonymous said...

Very powerful stuff. I assume that Ronaldo was the one who assaulted her earlier in the story. He's an amazingly creepy villain.
I liked Shakira's voice, especially when she keeps noticing all of the ways that he's keeping from leaving evidence.
Thank you for sharing this scene with us!

Elizabeth Twist said...

Yikes!!!! As a lead-in to the climax, this scene is awesome.

Lisa Potts said...

You have me on the edge of my seat. Wonderful antagonist. Thanks for sharing.

N. R. Williams said...

Excellent. Well done. One thing you may or may not know. The quotes should be double quote marks not singe. Love it.
Nancy

The Words Crafter said...

Not nice!!! Not nice at all, leaving me hanging like that!!!!

Bravo! That guy is creepy and you depicted it so well *shudder*

Hmmm. You gotta hurry up and get this published, I want to read the rest of it!

Melissa said...

Holy crow! The way you built tension here and the intensity of this whole excerpt rocked! Great job... though you certainly could've left me in a nicer place.

Anonymous said...

Ooh glad I'm not alone reading this, very chilling and suspenseful.

Caroline said...

Methinks Ronaldo is not a very nice man...

Very tense and thrilling. Nice touch about the bees.

Denise Covey said...

Ooh, I think Ronaldo is creeping you all off!

Unknown said...

Scar! Wow, you have a great novel there. Can't wait to read the final product.
CD

Jessica Silva said...

OOOOOOh creepy creepy! It reminds me of all the mystery books that I read of my mom's haha Thanks so much for sharing!

Misha Gerrick said...

Oh my word that was good. Almost literally a cliffhanger. ;-)

Tara said...

Oh, this is right up my alley! Great snip.

notesfromnadir said...

Very strong writing & excellent dialogue. I look forward to reading the entire book.

Lydia Kang said...

That was a great excerpt! I was on the edge of my seat.
:)

Denise Covey said...

Clarissa, Jessica, Misha, Tara, Lisa, Lydia: I hope you get to read my book!

kerrie said...

I want to read MORE!!

Ava Z. said...

Wow, that was intense! What a great read! Definitely makes me curious what happens to her. Thanks for sharing!

Lacey Devlin said...

Happy New Year! May there be many more fabulous excerpts to come.

Denise Covey said...

Kerri, Tracey, Lacey: Glad you enjoyed it!

Amie Kaufman said...

Oh, holy... you can't stop there! Augh!

I know this might sound like a strange compliment, but I can really *see* this scene as I read it, it's fantastic.

Denise Covey said...

Amie: This is the best compliment you can give.

Arlee Bird said...

Excellent teaser scene. There is enough information to give us a pretty good idea about what is going on and you leave us wanting more.

Lee
Tossing It Out

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