Hello everyone!
My story for the inaugural combined WEP/IWSG challenge has a long history. I first wrote a much different version for my first #fridayflash entry in 2010 which was somewhat behind my idea to start RomanticFridayWriters, now WEP. I've since written a novel based on this original idea which is languishing in the slushpile at Avon Books.
I present to you a snippet from the original Saskia and Raphael Parisian love story.
I present to you a snippet from the original Saskia and Raphael Parisian love story.
I hope you enjoy my women's fiction.
Carpe Diem
It happens every morning. That seeping dread. Jolting her feet until
they burn from toe to heel. Creeping up her limbs like a colony of ants, enflaming
her throat. Finally, it settles like a leaden ball in her chest where it
maintains its constant slow burn.
As the room washes with the first glimmer of light,
Saskia lies in the bed of her third-floor Parisian apartment, whispering her
mantra over and over – Carpe diem, carpe diem,
carpe diem, willing the dread to pass.
She has always loved this golden hour when the
world holds its breath, hoping the new day will disperse gifts from a benevolent
god.
What
will be my gift?
Will
He send the angels for me today?
Or
will Raphael come back to me today?
She spies a dove at the window, silvery wings fluttering,
‘Get up. Get up. Get up.’
Ignoring the leaden ball in her chest, she throws
aside the sheet and pads across the carpet to the open window.
Satisfied it now has an audience, the little dove dives
into the ornate bath in the courtyard, shaded by purple wisteria which creeps restlessly
along the exposed ledges as if it knows time is short, that in winter it will become
an ungainly skeleton.
From the spindly branches of the pretty tree, the
bird begins its morning song. The joyful notes thrum like a soaring solo in a
Beethoven symphony.
Song over, the silver bird soars into the sky.
She stands at the window clutching the sill. The
beat of every passing moment pulses in her ears.
Carpe
diem.
She must seize the day.
I
will not think of all I have lost.
Raphael.
Raphael. Raphael.
I
will not think of the glory days.
Raphael.
Raphael. Raphael.
She puffs out a breath and decides that a pure blue
sky demands a walk over the bridge in front of Notre Dame.
Today she will miss the ecstatic sounds of Eloise
and her lover in Apartment 2 who like to make noisy love in the afternoon, all
afternoon, reminding her of herself and Raphael in the flush of first love.
Before he had a change of heart.
Before he found someone he loved more than her.
Why does her heart still pine for him?
Perhaps she can blame Eloise.
Get
out of my head, Raphael.
She studies the glorious golden sun cresting the
horizon. She watches the orb creep over the beautiful old sandstone buildings
like a playful giant, blowing fire onto the zinc rooftops, transforming them into
molten gold.
She completes her salute-to-the-sun routine, bathed
in the warming rays.
While she dresses, she glances at her bed. Their
bed.
One morning she woke and his side of the bed was
cold, the sheets unwrinkled. He has never shared her bed since. According to
the social pages he has warmed the bed of many of Paris’ young women and broken
their hearts like he has broken hers. She wonders how he finds the time.
Today, if she can manage the short walk from la
Tour Eiffel, she will surprise him at his latest art exhibition at the Musée du
quai Branly. She must give the gods a chance to bestow on her a last wish.
To see Raphael one more time.
Leaning over the wide cement ledge, her vision fills
with the Gothic splendour of Notre Dame. The sun-bathed brick structure stands
proud and golden on the Île de la Cité, her buttresses grasping the edges of
the Seine. Taking a deep breath, she inhales the river smell − reedy, thick,
brackish.
She averts her eyes from the thousands of glinting
golden padlocks that lovers have attached to the bridge’s mesh sides,
signifying undying, unbroken love.
Hers and Raphael’s lock is lost amongst the
thousands of metallic clasps engraved with initials and love symbols, rusting
away, short-lived like their marriage, soon to be cut loose by Parisian
councilmen.
Why is Raphael clouding her mind today of all days?
She closes her eyes and imagines him running across the bridge as he used to
do, wrapping her in his arms, spinning her around, making her feel safe.
How she would love to feel his arms around her again.
She stands glacial, immobile, a Rodin sculpture.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow she will leave all this beauty to enter an
entirely different world.
A world of hospitals, doctors, nurses, prodding,
jabbing, priestly prayers and last of all, hope.
She steps away from the rails, Mahatma Ghandi’s
words giving wings to her feet: ‘Live as if you were to die tomorrow.’
She whispers her mantra over and over.
Carpe
diem.
Carpe
diem.
Carpe
diem.
A pain stabs her heart, throwing her against the concrete
rail. She clutches her chest with both hands. No, not yet! The ground rushes to meet her. Warm concrete slaps
her face. A dog yaps.
Then black envelops her.
She hears him.
A much-loved engine purrs in the distance.
A huge black motorbike is propped against the kerb.
Her angel. Her Raphael.
He stands at the end of the bridge, hands in pockets,
watching her, his studded motorcycle boots planted firmly on the timber.
Her heart beats so loudly the sound chokes her
throat.
If only she could get out from under this block of
concrete and run to him.
Oh, those capricious gods!
Why is he wearing black?
He opens his arms.
She stands, but is rooted to the spot, hands pressing
her heart, feeling the throbbing joy.
He beckons her … come!
She whispers her mantra over and over as she staggers
into his waiting arms.
Carpe
diem!
Carpe
diem!
Carpe
diem!
‘Saskia.’ The aching note in his voice moves her
more than his words.
WORDS - 948
FCA - as per preference list below
This is my entry for the WEP/IWSG August challenge.
Please CLICK on entries at WEP to read more stories.
Thank you for reading. If you're not joining the WEP/IWSG challenge this month, perhaps you'd consider joining us in October for Deju Vu Voodoo - (((shiver))) (((shake)))
70 comments:
Oh Denise.
As I read I was transported to another time, place, body. I loved the way you evoked all the senses. And hope her black Angel holds her safe forever.
Beautiful, Lady, simply beautikful. You transported me. I was there with her and I felt her longing. Now, let's pray that Avon get a move on getting that manuscript into a book and out to the masses. I would love to read the entire book.
Shalom aleichem,
Pat G
Ditto on all the comments above. This was lovely, and so very scenic and sad. Betrayal is the worst heartbreak. And unrequited love beyond description except in your hands.
Hi Denise - so evocative world that is Paris with its recalling of the feeling of love in the city. Raphael appears not to be the dark character she might have thought even though she loves him ... where will the story lead ... lovely excerpt - cheers Hilary
I really felt as though I was in Paris as I read this. A great piece, filled with such longing and heartache.
Sure brought forth all the senses indeed, awesome job. Such longing she had. Betrayal and the wonder why can sure lead one down a dark path.
What an indepth experience played out through the artistry of your words. It is beautiful, sad, and painful in the best possible way. Well done. Hope the rest of the story gets shared at some point.
You used all the senses to great effect - I loved the phrasing. I was transported back to the Paris I remembered and further. Wanted more, so glad that it's coming. I can see where saying when the piece is a snippet helps - as you said on my post.
Thanks Roland, glad you enjoyed it! Ah, don't we love Paris!
Thanks Toi for your generous words. Don't worry. This story will be out one way or the other!
Dark indeed, Pat.
Glad I transported you to Paris, Laura.
Raphael is a dark character all right. This snippet is a bit of a teaser.
Thanks for your email re the typo. I'd picked up another myself!
Ah Renee, you can see how I love this style of writing, but I'm well aware not everyone does. But glad I'm being indulged so far in the comments.
Thanks to you Lady Pat. I'm glad I transported you. More coming! I'll certainly let you know when the book is out. The above excerpt hasn't been written yet.
Ah, Saskia and her dark Angel. They belong together!
Gripping!
She lives in Paris with a courtyard and close enough to the Eiffel Tower to walk. Life's not so bad! :)
Uh...well...until her heart gives out at the end. I wonder, was Raphael really there? Was he dressed in black in grief?
So many questions Sandi but I'm not going to answer them, LOL. Was he really there is the question...
:-)
This was beautifully written and filled with emotion. I experienced her heartache alongside her. Wonderful!
Poignant and lovely. A wonderful story.
So much longing and love. Paris evoked beautifully! - as usual. I think your best writing emerges when you set the story in that city :) I particularly loved the metaphor of the dove.
I'll just have to live my dream and move there Nila and just write all day and night :-) Glad you got the metaphor of the dove...then there is the wisteria vine...
Thanks Olga.
Glad you got into it Laura!
I was transported to Paris, to beauty, to lost love and longing and finally to the sense of time lost. Her chant of Carpe Diem is so apt, considering how it ends. I hope this novel sees the light of day soon.
Fantastic, Denise. What an emotional story. I admire your use of the senses, not forced, just right.
First, I'm glad you have the critique code here--I'm new to WEP and wasn't sure what to say about that!
I really enjoyed the story, though it's out of my usual area :) I was struck particularly by "the beat of every passing moment" bit, because you really got the rhythm right in her thoughts.
I'm a little less convinced by that potentially happy ending, unless she's actually dead (I'm not sure which it is). But you kept me reading, and the prose is nice (too lush for my genre, but I enjoy an occasional dip into lush prose :D).
I love the use of the dove flapping his arms, "Get up! Get up! Get up!". That made me chuckle, such a good use of psychology and how her mood interprets how she sees things. And the scenery of Parisian sunset is painted out so vividly, I could totally visualize it.
She died of a double broken heart...
What a sad, but beautiful, piece.
An interesting and well-paced piece. Using her mantra to increase the pace of story as paragraphs switch. A impressive use of imagery. A great read, Denise.
You can be in the most beautiful place and still be depressed and unhappy. The scene out the window really came alive with the dove and the wisteria. Raphael does not sound like a very nice guy. She was going through health problems, a bad heart? I thought she might jump off the bridge into the river.Then she dies,covered in concrete (a tomb) and sees him after death. But maybe he's not worth it,love is blind sometimes.
Thanks Kalpanaa. So do I.
Thanks Diane. Glad you like it.
Some lush prose is more fitting for some genres than others, I'll admit. This snippet doesn't offer a happy ending. She's dying...I'll say no more...but does she die?
Thanks for your generous comments, Tanya. Glad you 'got' it.
She so nearly did.
Thanks Shannon. But also hopeful.
Thanks Christopher. Glad you liked it.
It surely is. Raphael is selfish all right, but they manage to work through that.
In death he was there for her
as her death played tricks
on her mind.
once he traded her for another
his death to her should have been divine
Such a well-described picture of unrequited love! I also like the imagery of Paris; I've never been there, but your words bring it to life in my imagination.
That’s one way to look at it Ellis
Thanks Elizabeth. I’ve been there multiple times so I should be able to describe it. Glad I brought it alive for you.
Ooh, I love the mystery of this, and all the senses that you evoke. Funny, I was listening to this when I happened to be reading (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2nrhxRVrKs) and somehow the song seemed to fit the longing in your snip. I really want to know what happens -- hope Avon hurries up!
Thanks Deniz. I’ll have to check it out.
Ah... I really enjoyed revisiting this story, Denise.
Atmospheric. Evocative. Love the melancholy vibe.
I had almost forgotten about the rich, lush prose...
Hoping that Avon get back to you soon, so that the Saskia and Raphael Parisian love story can be released into the hands of waiting readers!
Glad you remembered it Mishy. This comes after the story with Avon.
I listened. Agree. Very evocative of a woman scorned. Thanks for sharing the link.
Very evocative imagery. Sad but somehow uplifting at the same time. Interested to see how the story is resolved!
Ah, the heart, it breaks, it suffers, and it causes us humans such pain. I liked the descriptions which brought back all my Paris memories of Notre Dame, the museums, etc. You did evoke much with the repetitive use of 'seize the day'. What else can we do? If there's more, I'd like to know--was the concrete holding her down as a cemetery marker? Or will she recover. . .
Thanks Nick.
You're meant to think she's dead, but she ends up in hospital...
I can't wait to read what you did with that 'hospital scenario'... *rubs hands together*
Wow. That's some darkness and sorrow there. Poor dear! I feel for her.
Great work with this story.
Death arrived a day too soon. You created some beautiful images about this city of love, Denise. I also found the one brief bit of humor a delight. How did Raphael find the time to bed so many women? Cad.
Thanks Clem. Glad it appealed.
And then there’s a delicious scene in Notre Dame. (((Sighs)))
As others have said you words evoke such feelings and perfectly describes a Parisian apartment and the ideal of romantic Paris although seeing it through a 'real' person's eyes shows us life has pitfalls, physically and emotionally. I do think she could do better than a man like Raphael.
Thanks JLenni.
Maybe so Sally.
A lovely story that beautifully captures the agony of a broken heart. Fantastic sense of place too.
XX OA
Very dramatic. I can see how it led you to write the full novel :)
Thanks OA.
Yes Jemima. A lot going on.
Hi Denise.
What a tease you are. This is so well written I was blown away. But I want to read more.
I have a new computer. I'll be back in the grove shortly. Trying to catch up on all my writing.
Nancy
Aw thanks Nancy. I was hoping you’d join us again.
As others have commented above-very evocative and emotional! Well written with using all the senses. And ah...Paris!
No better place to set a story Nas.
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