Friday, 12 August 2011

#RomanticFridayWriters challenge August 12 - My story for the Confused! theme...

Romantic Friday Writers is a blogfest every Friday co-ordinated by myself and Francine Howarth. It is a fun event, showcasing the work of many fine writers who write romantic flash fiction or poetry under 400 words. Click on the icon in my sidebar or the link at the end of my post to check out others participating today or join the blogfest yourself. You will be most welcome. We are also found on twitter. We are @RFWER A winner is awarded the recognition of being the week's Featured Writer.

Here is my entry:

On Top of the Mountain

On top of the mountain was where she wanted to be—leaving behind all her insecurities and unhappiness, her confusion over Tod.

The climb had been hard but the view Paradise.

She twirled round and round like a ballerina then fell in a dizzy heap.

‘Woops!’ She giggled, bathed in blue sky.

She was first.

She never got to be first.

She wasn’t even first with Tod. She knew he’d chosen her because she looked like his first girlfriend.

But today was the best day of her life.

Her confusion was lifting like the clouds on the mountain.

She’d hurried ahead of the walking group even though it was naughty. She was sick of their whining. Sure, it’d been a long climb but what did they expect? All the way from St Jean Pied de Port to this splendid mountain in Spain. What a pilgrimage. What a way to start over.

It was Roderick who riled her big time. He’d been a pain from day one, complaining about everything—the food, the weather, the organisation. 700 kilometres to go til they reached Santiago de Compostela. How could they put up with Roderick for that long? 

She was surprised the guide, Rafe, hadn’t sent him packing. But Rafe wouldn’t.  He was the nicest guy. She wished it was just her and Rafe, the two of them together. Wouldn’t that be cosy?

Ah Rafe. She pictured his built body, muscled by years of climbing. She pictured his black curls flopping over his eyes. How she’d love to twirl her fingers through those curls!

She put her water bottle aside and took in the blue sky, the mountain range, the haloes of whispy clouds.  But she was drawn to the valleys made dark by black shadows. What was it that made her always look down? Did she always have to see the dark side?

She breathed in slowly, savouring the moment. Ah, to be first at last! Would Rafe be impressed?

She heard grunting behind the scraggly bush where she’d propped herself.  

She moved the leaves aside and peered closer. She felt a clunk as her heart wound to a stop. Lying spreadeagled, a head wound gushing blood was that whiner, Roderick.

‘Hey, Ciara what have you found?’ Rafe had arrived.

She shook her head. The cloud was choking her.

She never got to be first.


I hope you enjoyed my story for the Confused! challenge. If you'd like to read more, go here to the Romantic Friday Writer's site and click on the current linky.

This story is 399 words. FCA.


Heather said...

I loved that! Already I'm drawn in and want to know more.

Unknown said...

She's confused because she thinks that she is first on top of the mountain and discovers that she is second or third, and that something must have happened to Roderick to make him bleed.
Good solution for the theme "Confused". It also makes me curious as to who these people are and what has happened.

Best wishes,
Anna's RFW No 14 - "Confused"

Kerrin said...

oh, i really liked this. Her angst of never being first - the delight that she thought she was. Then the horror that no, she wasn't.
Nicely done!

Denise Covey said...

Heather: I'm glad.

Anna: Yes, I could embellish this into a much bigger story.

Kerrin: Glad you liked it. I played with her emotions to show her confusion. There's a metaphor for depression here too.


The Poet said...

Great visuals...I like "Woops!"
I can see her confusion thinking she's first then realizing she's not. You got me with the twist at the end though. I'm curious to know what happened.

Nice one, Denise!

Francine Howarth said...


Oh, nice twist!

Loved her dance on top of the mountain, and her dream of first to the summit realised if but for a moment of wild reckless indulgence.

Then Roddy boy dashed her joy by just being there and injured to boot. What a bummer, him of all people, and Rafe right behind her. What Now? ;)


Roland D. Yeomans said...

Sometimes we place too much emphasis on being first rather than just fully BEING where we are. Outstanding job ... as always, Roland

Scarlet said...

I like that scene you painted of her being in that mountain top... very lovely.

She was confused about herself being second, and not being first, to a whiner can certainly be a longer story.

Happy friday ~

Raquel Byrnes said...

I really like the layers of conflict here. From the actual not being first on the summit to a wistful remembering of past disparagement. Great post.

Li said...

Yikes! Some people just always seem to get stuck in last place. Painful (and realistic) bit to begin with, about Tod choosing her because she resembled his first GF. Hard not to dwell on such things, but perhaps she and Rafe will get together while aiding Roderick. Or she'll get credit for finding Roderick.

Len Lambert said...

Oooops, that was a good twist, L'Aussie! Loved it! :)

Unknown said...

I like it! I know that feeling of always being second best, or not the first choice! So familiar. And how awesome that when she finds the other person wounded, her first thought is that she wasn't first anymore. That's a pretty human response, the one we try to stifle!

Theresa Milstein said...

I'm sorry she didn't get to be first. At least she thought she was for a little while.

J.L. Campbell said...

Ciara certainly has issues. Tough when you get to a place where other people's actions force you to doubt yourself. You did get the romance angle in there with her little fantasy over Rafe. Her reaction to finding Roderick reinforces that she's a confused soul. Good job.

Anonymous said...

What a thing to think about at that moment _ "she never got to be first" :D!! Perfect little piece, with suspense, romance and a bit of crime thrown in!

Laura said...

Now that. Was. Good! Great pace, a character I already like and sympathise with, and a story I'm hooked on. Great read - thank you!

Julie Hedlund said...

Wow! That was great. I really want to know what happens next!!!

I love the image of the cloud choking her at the end. Fabulous

Denise Covey said...

Thank you everyone for your kind comments. Yeah, when you're self-centered and miserable you tend to be inward looking. She didn't care if Roderick was dead or alive,ha h!


Ms. Queenly said...

I liked how she was getting over all these guys and putting herself first...until the end! Darn that Roderick! ^_^ But I do wonder what happened to him -_-

Denise Covey said...

Thanks Ms Queenly for taking time from your moving to read my excerpt! Well, first I thought he'd be dead, but who knows? Maybe he's the romantic interest??


Anonymous said...

I enjoyed that a lot - well done.

Nas said...

I loved that! I'm drawn in and want to know more, where would it go and what's next.

Talli Roland said...

Ooh, I love it! Already I have a strong sense of her character and what her challenges will be!

Denise Covey said...

tfwalsh: Glad you liked it!

Nas and Talli: Glad I made you curious!


Lynda R Young as Elle Cardy said...

Great character. I liked that she was more worried about not coming first than about what had happened to poor Roderick. Says a lot about her.

Unknown said...

I've added a postscript to my post.
Visiting is optional.
Best wishes,
Anna's RFW No 14 - "Confused"

Marsha A. Moore said...

Ciara is certainly an intriguing and complex character, showing a confusion of emotions--first seeking independence, then wanting passionate entanglement, followed by disdain at being encumbered with the need to give assistance.

Sorry I'm so late in commenting. I had house guests until the end of the weekend and then exhaustion/illness set in...still not feeling well.

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