Hi there! I'm fresh from a weekend up at the Sunshine Coast and see I'm not too late to help Brenda Drake celebrate her birthday. She is hosting the Show Me The Voice Blogfest Contest. The deal is you have to post the first 250 words of a completed mss. Your followers are to critique it, then you polish it some more and email it to Brenda. It is then judged by agent Natalie Fisher from Adventures in Agentland. Natalie is all about the voice. When critiquing we are to look for voice and keep our comments nice and helpful, not snarky.
I'd love it if you would comment on my entry and if you would give me some helpful hints to improve it...thanks!
Name: Denise Covey
Title: Ruby
Genre: Sweet Romance
RUBY
The moment Ruby laid eyes on him she was smitten.
He stood motionless at the rail on the deck of the slick Eco-Pacific, mesmerized by the humpbacks’ antics. Following his gaze, Ruby thought the sight of the glorious creatures in the final throes of breaching in the Pacific waters was enough to take her breath away, even if the sight of the captain in his pristine whites hadn’t already achieved that.
He turned towards her, leaning against the rail. She was lost, lost in eyes as blue as the ocean. In the gathering dusk she could see he had long lashes the colour of sand, no doubt bleached by days at sea. Curls of the same colour peeked from under his hat.
Ruby reached for the support of the deck rail while at the same time edging closer to him.
Slowly he straightened to his full height and looked down at her, a question in his upraised eyebrows. Blue eyes locked with sparkling green.
‘What a glorious day,’ he said as he smiled at her, stepping closer.
‘Oui, ah, yes, it is very beautiful.’
She saw the flash of disappointment in his eyes. ‘Are you enjoying your visit?’ he asked politely.
She was crushed. He was speaking to her like she was just another tourist.
‘I’m not just visiting,’ Ruby said, trying hard to talk like an Aussie. ‘I have come here to live. At Noosa.’
‘Noosa, ah, I’ve travelled the world and it still beats most places hands down. Good choice.’
So there you have it. I'd really appreciate your input.
