Friday, 10 June 2011

#RomanticFridayWriters challenge - My story, 'Forgotten' with a touch of Hugh Jackman.

‘Jus, we need to talk.’
Uh oh. He knew what ‘We need to talk’ was all about.
‘Why? Why do we need to talk?’ he managed to croak through a throat newly scrubbed with sandpaper. Having just spent the whole day with Meleah, his heart'd been singing, but now his joy was disappearing like the smoke of a spluttering campfire.
He loved Meleah. No other girlfriend came close to the raging torrent of his feelings for her. She was his angel, his Botticelli angel with her mane of red curls, her smile that cracked open his heart.
‘I’m married.’
He hadn’t seen that coming. How did she fit in being married with all the jetting about they’d done? Sydney. Paris. New York. Rome…
‘How?’ He started to talk then the words dried up like an Australian river in drought.
‘He travels a lot too. He probably has other women.’
‘And this makes it okay?’
‘I’m just saying.’
He turned away. A hot tear ran down his cheek.
‘You must hate me.’
‘Yes. I hate you.’ By saying the words he was trying to man up. Wishing these words were true. ‘I hate you.’ He tried again. Hollow words. He glanced at her. He saw a pitying look on her beautiful white face.
‘I didn’t want it to happen.’
‘What? The marriage? Meeting me? What?’
‘You were just so darn cute. So Hugh Jackman. I couldn’t resist you.’
‘So I’m just some fantasy then?’
‘Well, Hugh Jackman’s more than a fantasy. He’s real.’
‘He bleeds huh? So do I. I’m bleeding here.’
‘When I was with you I felt so excited.’
‘Like Nicole Kidman in ‘Australia’?’
‘Too bloody right mate.’
‘I love you Meleah. You. Just you. You’re my fantasy come to life.’
‘It’s not working out with Frederick.’
‘Yes. What a name, huh? Old money.’
‘Another fantasy?’
‘Yes, but I don’t need that one any more. But we have a family.’
‘Family?’ This just gets worse and worse.
‘The triplets are only one. Nanny’s throwing a birthday party tomorrow. That’s why I can’t spend the weekend with you.’
‘Then why did you promise me?’
‘Sorry. I’d forgotten.’
‘Forgotten you were married? Forgotten you had triplets? Forgotten you’d promised to come away with me?’
‘All of the above.’
‘Now you’ll have to forget me.’
‘Already done. Bad memory. That’s me.’


This is my story for #Romantic Friday Writers this week.
  391 words. Click on the image to read more stories on the Forgotten theme.


The Poet said...

Hello L'Aussie...thought you were supposed to be globetrotting?

WoW! Married & triplets...that Meleah sure has some selective memory! Poor Jus...he's another name to add to her black book.

I like how you were able to slip little bits of Australia in...AUS river drought, Hugh, Nicole...nice.

Another excellent piece from you.

Denise Covey said...

Andy: Hi! I leave next Friday 17. Another week to go. Glad you liked my little Aussie story.


Paula Martin said...

I loved 'Australia' - saw it three times, and Hugh Jackman - mmm, be still, my beating heart! When he appeared in that white dinner jacket ....
Not sure how she could forget she had triplets though. But then, if I met Hugh Jackman, I'd even forget my own name!

Denise Covey said...

Ha Paula, but does the little blighter have triplets or is it just another lie?


Denise Covey said...

Oh and I thought if I put Hugh in the post title it might bring a few running! I liked him having his billy bath best!

Beverly Diehl said...

Wow, she doesn't win any prizes for being a sympathetic character, does she?

"He glanced at her. He sees a pitying" - ya jumped to present tense there, should be SAW a pitying. Also - her name's Meleah up top, Maleah near the bottom.

Speaking of near the bottom - the one year old triplets is where you lost me. I could buy her being a cheating, forgetful woman with a family, but NOT with babies less than a year old. Can you make them twins turning four, or does that spoil everything?

If I absolutely can't stand her, (and her titian? curls - or are they really, really big? Anyway, her curls aren't doing it for me in terms of making me like her) I also lose respect and liking for Jus for losing his heart to her.

Thought some of the imagery in here was wonderful, like the words drying up in his throat, the sandpaper... And I love the last line.

Denise Covey said...

As you rightly say Beverly she is not a likeable character but there's no accounting for taste is there? Why would she be telling the truth about triplets? Thanks for the grammar check. More haste less speed.


Denise Covey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Denise Covey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Denise Covey said...

L'Aussie said...
And the triplets. That should make it obvious to him that she's a liar. Who's going to get their figure back in like 2 months. And also it shows she's only met him recently if the story's true. Flash fiction has to say a lot in a few (390) words and leave something up to the reader's imagination, but I agree, it should be possible, these little points.


Roland D. Yeomans said...

He will survive. It shows in his responses. She will become more hollow as the years and lies accumulate. Great job. Roland

KM Nalle said...

Well, you had me at Hugh Jackman. I enjoyed your story. Poor 'Jus. I hope he finds someone worthy!

KM Nalle said...

Well, you had me at Hugh Jackman. I enjoyed your story. Poor 'Jus. I hope he finds someone worthy!

Theres just life said...

Hope this week blogger will let me comment...or maybe it is just the commenter.
Any way, I liked the story. Hated her, she sounds like the Hugh Hefner of females, always has to have beautiful men around her.
Yeah the triplets line made me think she was just coming up with excuses on the spot.
Jus deserves way better.

Pamela Jo

Francine Howarth said...


At the mention of Hugh Jackman I came at the gallop!

Ah, poor love, the look-a-like has my shoulder. Lying bitch! Nice piece. I'm still choking on the OZ dust kicked up, never mind sandpaper rasping his throat. ;)

Sarah Tokeley said...

Add me to the list of people who assumed she was a liar at the mention of triplets...and to the Hugh Jackman fan club :)

Margo Benson said...

Her lies just drip off the tongue! It's great to read such a cold and bitchy character....poor Jus was simply reeled in and spat out.

I don't believe she'd ever stay around anyone very long, let alone commit to babies. Great piece!

Tony Benson said...

I love the story. It's so sad and she's so BAD! The fascinating thing about a compulsive liar is that they will tell someone exactly what it takes to manipulate the situation. It's a sign of not only a liar but a controlling person.

Well written and an enjoyable read.

andymac89 said...

I get the feeling that she has some sort of "mental illness" and this is just a visit by her husband in the mental hospital or something. She seems to be reeling off vivid imaginations that even she believes are real. I'm probably miles off what you thought of but hey, I think it fits well as part of a larger story... you got my mind wandering deep into this one... I think that's a well done! :-D

N. R. Williams said...

After watching Kate and Leopold, Hugh Jackman became a favorite. So yes, I liked the image that came up right away. I thought you developed both characters in such a short piece very well. I read all the comments, I don't usually do that and I must say, anyone can be manipulated by a beautiful liar. This character is believable. Because of that we feel for him and isn't that what great writing is all about?

P.S. After watching above movie, I picture Prince Healden as Hugh Jackman it it ever got made into a movie. Probably never will though. LOL
N. R. Williams, The Treasures of Carmelidrium

Kittie Howard said...

Hugh Jackman is a hunkahunkaburnin' love! *sighs* I've with Andy above - she's a real head case who can lie for the sake of lying - well done!

Li said...

*Sigh* I must be the only woman in the world not entranced with Hugh Jackman. Apologies. As for the story, I kind of like to see the woman as villain once in a while. Cold-hearted, lying, money-grubbing - yeah, I hate her. Fun read!

Anonymous said...

Hi, Denise. You're great with dialogue!

This story got me to the Wikipedia to see who Hugh Jackman is. Sexiest man, they say. I've always wondered what that really means.

But he looks like a great person, with a wife, and two adopted children not in the picture but in their home. I'm impressed with THAT family, not with the Meleah in your story.

The dialogue in the last part--superb. Reminds me of Ernest Hemingway. And that is my highest compliment.

Denise Covey said...

Woo hoo. Thanks for those who came at a gallop to read my Hugh Jackmanesque tale. Hugh is a great guy, a great Aussie family man who hasn't let fame go to his head, so I wanted Jus to have all these attributes. Well, Hugh's character had to fall for Nicole Kidman in the 'Australia' movie and I loathed her character although I became a tad sympathetic over the way she tried to help the aboriginal kiddo.

Thanks for reading/commenting. Ooh, Ernest Hemingway, Ann, be nice but I won't let that thought get away with me. I guess I've drowned myself in so many Hemingway books (oh, I'm going to Pamploma this visit BTW) so Hemingway fans will know what I mean. Woo hoo! Just before bull-running time I hasten to add.


Suze said...

Is this an excerpt from a complete manuscript? said...

Goodness your heroine sounds terribly hard bitten while your hero is m uch more romantic and seems more honest and open. I was left feeling the hole that your hero must be feeling with such triple whammy news that she'd forgotten!

J.L. Campbell said...

All I gotta say is that Meleah is one callous woman.

The poor guy was obviously taken in and very much taken with her.

I like that you did this almost totally with dialogue.

Denise Covey said...

Suze: No, I just sat down and wrote it for the challenge.

Madeleine: Yes, she's hateful

Joy: I seem to be doing that more and more lately. Suits these flash fiction themes.


Ms. Queenly said...

Poor guy! I'm not liking Meleah...

I love how the opening sets us up perfectly for the seamless back-and-forth dialogue that ends the story. ~MsQ

Denise Covey said...

MsQ: Thank you.


Len Lambert said...

Oh I love the words 'Botticelli angel'! I like the dialogue!!! :)

Talei said...

Haha. Oh boy. So, the lady wanted a fling with her very own 'Hugh Jackman'? I can't say I blame her. ;-)

M Pax said...

I enjoyed this story and the character's fantasies. Fabulous. :D

Denise Covey said...

Len: Lovely to see you. Thanks.

Talei: Me either.

M Pax: Thanks!


Al said...

Very funny.

It is a bit nippy down this way. Chilly when taking a puppy out to do her business in the wee small hours (pun intended)

Sylvia Ney said...

Wonderful! BTW, I posted your interview today!

Michael Di Gesu said...

Hi, Denise,

I love the description and emotion of the male character in this piece. Well done....

I sent a more detailed comment to your email....

Nas said...

The dialogue is great but is it something like The Notebook? Otherwise how to explain the selective memory!

Laura said...

Hurrah - some fiery dialogue! Fantastic emotions and really fast paced with a great sting in the tail. I know she's a horrible character, but I can't help but like her a little :)
Thanks and have fun

Denise Covey said...

Laura: Yes I know what you mean.

Nas: Haven't seen/read The Notebook??



Ooh, she is cold! You know it's not gonna be good when someone starts out "we need to talk." Hope you'll be writing more about them! I'd like to believe she isn't as callous as she seems...maybe she's been hurt in the past, is protecting herself from being hurt again??? Or should I just accept she is the villain she appears and love to hate her?

Denise Covey said...

Sarcasm Goddess: Well I just might have to write a bit more about this couple. Hmmm.


Scarlet said...

I adore Hugh H and his family.

Your short story portrays the cold and bitchy side of a womanis who just wants to have a good time.

The ending lines can ripped any guy's heart. Poor guy~