ON WRITING

“It’s very easy to quit during the first ten years of writing. Nobody cares whether you write or not, and it’s very hard to write when nobody cares one way or the other. You can’t get fired if you don’t write, and most of the time you don’t get rewarded if you do. But don’t quit.” Andre Dubus

Friday, 29 June 2012

#RomanticFridayWriters - Challenge No 39 - STUCK IN THE MIDDLE!

Ah, the joys of technology. This is pre-scheduled to publish when I'm in the air, a couple of hours from Fiji. No way I could miss my RomanticFridayWriters post. I had great comments on my Geffron and Marsilia story last challenge for the Perfect Ex prompt, so I continued the saga to suit this week's prompt but I don't exactly adhere to the specific guidelines, sorry Donna. Some readers said they loved the names Geffron and Marsilia - Geffron is an early English name and Marsilia is a traditional early Italian name and today's new name, Luigina, means 'famous warrior' in Italian and that's how I see her.

You're most welcome to check out the challenge at RomanticFridayWriters website and you may have time to pen a story for us this weekend (Linky closes on Sunday) or in two-week's time for the special prompt, Greener Pastures.

So, my On the Streets of London story continues with the addition of one character...

Crowded House


‘I’m back! Miss me?’

Geffron heard the call he’d been waiting for. He listened to the familiar clop as her bags hit the floor.

‘Geffron? Are you home, honey?’ He caught the uncertainty in her voice and smiled. Underneath all that blather she was a vulnerable child. Oh, he’d missed her!

She’d be pacing the hall, checking out his hated Escher prints. He’d not been game enough to hang them until she'd left, taking her graffiti-inspired abstracts with her.

He heard the clump of leather boots on the polished floor. She’d be angry that he’d ripped up the ugly purple carpet. Plop! She’d sunk into his new yellow leather chesterfield – he’d tossed out her ridiculous hippie-esque orange bean bags. She’d be looking around, waiting for him to come running, faithful puppy that he was.

‘Geffron! Where are you?’

‘Marsilia? What a surprise!’ He tugged the belt on his smoking jacket and closed the bedroom door.

 ‘Geffron! Why are you dressed like that at 5 o’clock in the afternoon?  Are you ill?’ He loved her delicious concerned frown.

‘Things have changed around here Marsilia. Since you’ve been gone –‘

‘New floor, new carpet, new lounge. What else is new?’

‘I am.’

Marsilia looked like she was going to vomit. How satisfying that the sight of another woman distressed her so.

‘Who’s this?’ He cringed a little from her furious purple eyes.

‘Luigina. I met her after you walked out on me.’

‘She is me, Toad.’

Luigina strolled to Marsilia’s side. ‘Ah, so you are Marsilia.’ Her eyes raked Marsilia from her curly red mane to her green thigh-high boots. ‘Geffron, now I see why you confused me for Marsilia.’

Geffron reclined on the chesterfield, admiring the picture his two girls made. Same height, same fabulous hair, same Mediterranean skin. He was one lucky hipster.

Marsilia raised her green boot and kicked him, hard.

‘Ow! What was that for?’

‘I’m not going to be stuck in the middle here. What was I thinking? I didn’t miss you at all.’

‘You can’t leave me again, Marsilia! I need you!’

Luigina raised her pink Dr Martens boot.

‘Don’t you need me?’ Her boot caught his shin bone. Oh, the pain!

‘Oh God! Of course, Luigina. I need…I love…both of you.’

‘Geffron, baby, you love yourself. You don’t need anyone else. Ta rah.’

‘Wait up, Marsilia!’ She clattered down the stairs.


©DeniseCovey2012


WORD COUNT: 396
Full Critique Acceptable
(I may want to use this story in the future).


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36 comments:

  1. Oh that lying two timing double dealing mean mistreating no good cheat!! HAHAHA! This was a really great post! I love it!!

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  2. Did I distinctly state "this is not a love triangle" Denise?

    Well, it is an entrancing excerpt, no matter. I'm with Crystal, Greffon is such as low down scoundrel. And you know how fond I am of a scandal :) This is a great continuation to the Perfect Ex excerpt. I feel all caught up on my soap operas now.

    I do hope you are able to work these characters into a continuing story. Sounds gritty and exciting; totally my kind of story.

    ........dhole

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    1. Ooh, crabby teacher voice! Sorry Miss, but I did warn you that I didn't adhere to the guidelines as it was this or nothing and I couldn't live with nothing. I'll follow Greener Pastures to the letter I promise!

      I'm loving these three dudes, so I have to keep writing them, soapie or no. A gritty soapie. I like that. D.

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  3. Oh, Denise that made me smile. Gotta love those pretentious Engländer. LOL
    This is good for a flash fiction piece, but do you think there is a happy end in this story when Geffron more or less crossed Marsilia's "hard limit zone". I guess I'm old fashioned, but catching them in almost "in flagrente delicto" isn't one of those things a dozen long-stems can usually "fix".

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    1. Thanks Celeste! Where is the happy ending? Not sure about that.D.

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  4. I like the line that he loves himself. That pretty much wraps things up!

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  5. Very amusing scene between these on again/off agains. Love how it continued from the last challenge!

    I didn't post this time, been tackling a few other projects and entertaining kids. I'll jump back in next time :)

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  6. I always enjoy these Friday vignettes! Happy flight to Fiji. Looking forward to lots of great photos.

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  7. Great energy in this piece!

    You know, it wasn't clear that there was a third person speaking at first. I'd love to see some description of her after she says, "I am" and comes forward. (At first I thought they guy had said this and that he'd cut his hair or something!)

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    1. Hi Ruth. I know what you man but I try to use as few directional cues as possible. D

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  8. The writing is SO good! The descriptions vivid. Smooth as I hope your flight is to Fiji. You are no doubt there by now! Happy, Happy vacation. And like everyone else, I'm looking forward to pictures, pictures, pictures!!

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    1. Hi dear sis. I'm glad you like the writing. Your opinion means a lot to me.

      Yes, great flight, lots of fine food and drink! Pity it was only 3 hours! Was great to arrive in a country and have someone to meet me! Nas is a lovely person and as she's as hooked on the online world as I am, I'm able to catch up with the RFW posts earlier than I expected. Haven't seen much of Fiji yet! Plenty of time...

      Yes, the pictures will be coming!

      Denise

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  9. Greffron got himself in the middle of nowhere and lost the game bit time. Bet he didn't guess he'd lose them both. :)

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    1. Ha Joy, but he deserved to, didn't he? But what will happen in the future? Maybe you'll find out in Greener Pastures, the next prompt? D

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  10. Geffron's a total jerk. Glad he got his desserts. :-D

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  11. I'm so glad she's realised what a scoundrel he is - now if only Liugina would realise the same thing they could pal up against him and give him his just desserts!!

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    1. Sally, glad you came by. Liugina has realised I think...D

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  12. Hi Mischa. A blast from the past. Thanks for the visit. Glad you agree with me! D.

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  13. Hi,

    This brought forth giggles galore! Marcilia should've felled him with a middle wicket stomp!

    Hope the girls go on bender together...

    Nice one. ;)

    best
    F

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    1. I knew it'd appeal to your wicked sense of humour F!

      Denise

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  14. Oh, poor guy, two fab girls...and lost them in a wisp of narcissistic air.
    Or should it be poor girls...great story and it rolled smoothly like butter on bread. :)

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    1. Thanks Rek! Yep he deserved no better. D

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  15. wow big time jerk!... I got mad reading this lol... ladies arent we all hate this type of guy??? lol
    Interesting exchange of conversation... The situation is quiet troublesome but the characters still managed to have their composure!

    _Genskie_

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    1. Thanks for visiting Genskie. Yes, all very civilized, sort of. D,

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  16. LOL. Gotta love that ending. Oh Geffron. Did he think he could eat his cake and have it. Nice spunky women, too. I love it, Denise. Well done.

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    1. Thanks Kiru. As someone who's an expert on spunk, that's a compliment. D.

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  17. Brilliant story, Denise. I'm glad he ended up with no one. Hope you're hols are lovely in Fiji!

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  18. Hilarious. Love this stuck-in-the-middle scenario. Well written, excellent description. The only thing that tripped me up momentarily was the introduction of the second woman. Just needs a tag.

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    1. Okay I get the tag thing. Glad you got the humour Linda. D.

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  19. He needs them, but they don't need him. Great piece.

    I hope you're enjoying Fiji.

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  20. My dear Denise,
    Hahaha! Loved your take on the prompt! I don't feel the slightest bit sorry for Geffron...he's a good-for-nothing scoundrel! Perhaps this will be the final straw for Marsilia and she'll be rid of him for good. Enjoyed this a lot. Thanks for sharing.

    Have you tried grated cassava mixed with avocado? It's yummy. Hope you're not eating too much roti either...that delicious stuff will put weight on you! LOL

    Thoughts Of Beauty In The Stillness Of Dawn

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    1. Ha ha Andy. Here I am sitting in the breezeway surrounded by all my writing tools. Heaven. A beautiful day in Fiji. For the next few days I'm just writing!

      Yes I think a lot of the Fiji food isn't good for the figure. I've only had cassava two ways - boiled and cooked in the ground, hangi style, but they have a different name here. I haven't actually seen an avocado yet! A lot of the veges have been ruined with recent floods. I'm dying for a vine-ripened tomato! Nas helped me learn how to cook roti and i'm going to try to master the art for a surprise dinner when they return!

      Thanks for visiting Andy!

      Denise

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  21. Hahaha - that was an enjoyable read, Denise. Always spot on with the male POV. I can virtually see Geffron. Love your description too. Well done love triangle, rules or not.

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    1. Thanks Adura. I'm such a rebel, but I like this story and will keep on working on it. Fun. Nothing like a swank London hipster to make me laugh! D.

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