ON WRITING

“It’s very easy to quit during the first ten years of writing. Nobody cares whether you write or not, and it’s very hard to write when nobody cares one way or the other. You can’t get fired if you don’t write, and most of the time you don’t get rewarded if you do. But don’t quit.” Andre Dubus

Sunday, 6 March 2011

LOL Sunday - Slappin' the apps - are smart phones so smart? And there's more...


I was a failure as a stand-up commedienne so I'm working on my latest career as a sit-down. I just came from Byron's website, er, sorry Alex J Cavanaugh's, and he did practically a whole post on the latest iPad, confessing "I have several PCs, a laptop, an iTouch, AND an iPad - one can never have too much geek stuff." I wanted to throw virtual stones at Alex as the first iPad had just been released and I couldn't decide - netbook or iPad? I foolishly decided to go with the netbook and have had iPad envy ever since.

That's the trouble with us! We just want the apps! Give me more! And that got me thinking, do I really want/need these apps? Let's take the scales from our eyes...

Smart phones are a good place to lug all your apps around. Grab your blackberry/apple and you're all set. Personally, I love apples and blackberries, it's just that my preferred apps are pastry and custard or ice cream.

Apparently most people with smart phones only ever use a fraction of the available apps, but they are great status symbols - "I sent this message from my iPhone" has such a ring to it - I'd prefer an app that'd allow me to say "I sent this message in my Prada little black dress and Manolo heels."

Which brings me to the point that most apps are designed for the young - and why not? They're dreamed up by 19-year-old goatee-stroking designers. Why don't they give me an app I can use, like a pop up pair of tweezers or maybe a creme brulee torch or even a little cocktail shaker? Why should the young have all the fun, huh?

I watch 24-hour news (not on my smart phone - the battery can't support it!) and I learn the darndest things. Like a man tried to rob a Connecticut restaurant weilding a smart phone (he tried the gun app). But he had to surrender when staff responded with a low-tech 'kitchen knives' app. (Only in America, we Aussies snicker.) Over here we're still using plastic toy guns. We're not allowed to buy real ones anyhow! Our crims can't support a smart phone habit. That's why they're robbing the banks, silly!)

Enough slappin' of the smart phone (which ain't really so smart!) Now I'll briefly mention my Kindle app. I'm happy with books and magazines made of paper thanks very much. It feeds my need for clutter and a pile of mags can make a great spare chair in an emergency. A Kindle will never fix a wobbly chair or roll up to kill a mozzie. So in a household with a yen for paper, my Kindle is in danger of getting buried...now where is that thing? I've gotta read Roland's Bear With Two Shadows...

One thing I do love about the social networking apps is of course facebook. This gives me the option to Accept or Decline a "friend." I love delivering the verbal slap-in-the-face, DECLINE! I dream of being at a party and applying the same principle when cornered by a boor - DECLINE!

iPod? Do you jog with an iPod? Don't you miss the sound of real birds tweeting? Or have you forgotten already?

Twitter: 140 million users. This is such a useful app but once again, what a battery drainer! Just loading it sucked my battery dry. Maybe the 'smart' phone tried to download all 140 million profiles! I've always been a bit suss of Twitter, it reminds me of Narcissus gazing into a pond of self-adoration. "I just ate pizza! Yummy!" or "My bunions are hurting!" If we shared these inanities face to face we'd clear the room or the pub. But that's not the scariest thing about Twitter...

The world's most followed Twitterer is Lada Gaga - I guess she posts pictures! President Obama is 4th, making the leader of the free world's views slightly less important than pint-size warbler Justin Bieber. I'd say Twitter's 140-character limit suits our new-found shallowness. The world now seems full of people who, in person, seem balanced, entertaining and humble but on Twitter they turn into Narcissus.

Must rush off. My Tweet Deck's calling...


And no, I won't give up my day job just yet...

(All these uprorious pics from Comedy Zone.)


36 comments:

  1. Loved the post, agree about 'real' books and feel guilty that my books are becoming eBooks!

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  2. I don't feel guilty about buying ebooks because I want to support writers and I can't afford the print book prices. The world has changed, though, and I'm boggled just reading your as usually awesomely written post about all these APPS. Say the word out loud. Doesn't it have a certain sound--like ZAP maybe?!

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  3. Well I laughed out loud, you do better good as a sit-down. Agree with paper, don't have a smart phone nor an iPad and I don't care about someones bodily function reports on twitter. :D

    Maybe this is why there are no old folks apps :)
    Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

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  4. Ann: I don't feel guilty about either! Just havin' a bit o' fun! APP = ZAP. Like it. Has a certain ring...

    Jules: Oh, another Luddite in the world!

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  5. This was terrific! Very clever, you!

    My husband is a geek at heart and is going to get the new ipad.

    Me...I'm not into apps so much. I have a blackberry cause Honey used it for his work...then got a droid. I can read emails and stuff on it, but to actually use it for blogging is a pain in the bum!

    The one thing I do love is my ipod touch. Music....love me some music and this thing is wonderful.

    Are you sure you couldn't make it as a stand up? This really was a hoot!

    OH! I do prefer real books. I only buy ebooks if they're not available any other way. And I don't have a kindle. I use the app for pc's. Hey! Another useful app for me :P

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  6. Words Crafter: Ha ha, honey is a geek too. The new iPad doesn't come out over here til Mar 25.

    Nah, I definitely to write funny than talk funny...

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  7. All I want is something that works, that will let me access the internet, and that one be annoying to carry around. I really don't care about the particulars but I'm pretty happy with my netbook right now.

    Jai

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  8. All I want is something that works, that will let me access the internet, and that one be annoying to carry around. I really don't care about the particulars but I'm pretty happy with my netbook right now.

    Jai

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  9. I have a laptop with the Kindle for PC -- which makes it a really neat iPad that does more -- at least to me.

    Like you, I just don't see the appeal of Twitter. You have 49 characters, don't you, per message? Not 49 words -- characters. Jeez, how much of substance can you say in so limited a space?

    Thanks for mentioning THE BEAR WITH TWO SHADOWS, destined to be the new LORD OF THE RINGS (LOL - see? I can make a joke, too. Gypsy, my cat, just coughed up a furball -- critics!)

    I just bought the eBook of RIVER-MARKED by Patricia Briggs. A tale of Mercy Thompson, one of the last Native American shifters (she can change into a coyote). And in this, it is being hinted that her true father was Coyote, the Native American demigod Trickster. I've already read 58% of it in one day. I really like Mercy Thompson.

    Have a great Sunday, Roland

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  10. So true! And I'm still struggling about buying an ereader, Kindle, Nook or SOny eReader? I do need to read all those eBooks on my computer!

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  11. I saw an elderly woman the other day reading a kindle thingy and I was impressed I live in the out back of scotland and there in our tiny but technically geeky hospital was she ready one of her many hundreds of ebooks.
    your post was the tits by the way
    cheers
    K

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  12. The flattened witch always makes me laugh. The sign makes it even funnier!

    I'm still an old fashioned paper book kind of gal.

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  13. Hi,

    LOL, smart-phone is the new look at me tool: naff! It's what CHAVS over here have too look good. Bit like the craze to be seen wearing Nike's: glorified Daps. ;)

    Blackberry: did someone say for business dudes? Nah, for wannabe! The real high-flyers have nifty featureless cell phones designed for secure business conversations/transactions, and boring slim-line laptops, alongside (OMG really?) car phones, the sort you make basic telephone calls on.

    Ah, now the Kindle: wouldn't be without it. I'd be buggered otherwise on reading fellow writers novels that are unlikely to ever make it to paperback status.

    As for desk computers: we have a stack lined up to go for recycling, the hard-drives removed. Never more will such monstrosities gain entry to our house.

    best
    F

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  14. Love this post. I read it and typed this comment on my iPhone. I would never catch up in my race to keep ahead of all you awesome bloggers without it. I reject the iPad though, I'm keeping my Kindle.

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  15. Hi Denise. I really enjoyed this post. Great humour and you've hit the nail on the head. We seem to be using technology for bizarre things nowadays (Twitter for example). I sometimes think that in a couple of hundred years they'll look back and laugh.

    One thing I do like about ebooks, though, is they take up so little space (none) and getting more books doesn't mean needing more bookshelves. We have thousands of books in shelves and it's getting harder to find places to put them.

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  16. This is the absolute best! Posted at just the right time.

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  17. That was too funny!
    And that robber should've used the Light Saber app instead. (Yes, there's an app for making Light Saber sounds!)

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  18. Jai: My netbook is only any good for writing; it struggles with the net.

    Roland: You're welcome. I'm getting used to ebooks. I'd better.

    Nas: I do read them on my computer. I really can't decide what to buy.

    kerrie: Go the ole woman!

    Theresa: Yep. Me too but needs must.

    Francine: I decided that years ago. Long live the laptop!

    Kari Marie: I'm just getting used to mine...

    Tony: I'm missing bookstores already.

    Mary: Well this was tongue in cheek and most people seem to be taking it seriously?

    Alex: Light saber app? Is there a virtual stone thrower too? Or is that too low-tech?

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  19. I have been using my smartphone to write my new book since my PC has been getting fixed...This is a first for me and it has been going so well. Yes the keys are small on the phone but I don't mind...

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  20. hehe, my hubby loves his geek apps. I try to keep them to a minimum. The only reason why I have half of them is because hubby bought them as gifts for me. I don't even use my mobile phone much. I only remember I have one when the battery starts beeping at 3am to remind me it needs recharging ;)

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  21. Savannah: A book on a smartphone eh? I've heard of one on Twitter...

    Lynda: You're so funny, beep beep!

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  22. I don't have an iPhone yet, but just found out that LEGO makes skins for it that you can really play with. Now I want one [g]

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  23. Or should I get a Blackberry instead... decisions, decisions!

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  25. Ohhhh, you're a woman after my own heart! Yes!!!

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  26. I do buy e-books Denise, but I think I'm too old for them APPs, even though I keep thinking of getting a Blackberry (which may be the oldest of the APPs now). But then again I'm stuck at The Farm most days...

    Grandson Irfan has an I-pad though, which he lets me use whenever he's around.

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  27. Hi Annie, nice to meet you!

    Grandpa: There's so many it's confusing.

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  28. I can always count on you to make me laugh. It's no wonder you have so many comments. I have a smart phone and I don't like it. Just give me a phone that I can call someone on. The screen is too little to do any major stuff and it's the biggest, smarty pants around.
    Nancy
    N. R. Williams, The Treasures of Carmelidrium

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  29. Nancy, ha ha, but I'm not sure some people got my humour! My smart phone has been a big disappointment. Maybe that's what inspired my post! They give you all these apps but no battery to support them. Next thing we'll need to carry a battery pack around ha ha ha...

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  30. Funny! I do love my iPod and smart phone. But I appreciate real paper books. And I still exercise without my iPod just so I don't jump out of my skin when a truck goes by real close :)

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  31. What a funny and helpful post. Just literally been on Ishta Mercurio's blog where she is discussing iphones.http://www.ishtamercurio.blogspot.com/ All this technology, I feel very behind.

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  32. ...dearest L, a hundred million strong spend each day tweeting like twits, and I've yet to consider joining. My wife says I may be the last person on earth without a Facebook account, and were it not for Roland's "Two Shadows," I wouldn't have downloaded Kindle on my PC.

    Call me old school, perhaps even ancient. But give me a real book, with real pages, a recliner and a cold beer, and the rest of the world can have their apps:)
    Oh, I do have a smart phone...and yes, it's far smarter than I.

    EL

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  33. It's a wonder we find to time to do anything what with all the toys we have that act as a distraction.

    I gotta admit that I haven't even gone through half the stuff my phone brags that it can do.

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  34. JL, Elliot, alixia, kangaroobee: You've gotta be quick not to get left behind these days...

    Denise<3

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  35. I adore Apps and the ease of checking in:) Sometimes I fear it makes me more antisocial (and now the sounds of nature annoy me :p) but I love having my favorite sites and music at my finger tips.

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